Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Adventures in Chichicastenango.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Catching Up.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I like to be free.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A world traveler from my dorm.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Cue Mood Music: Here Comes the Sun
Rain, rain. You bring too many memories. Like the entire month of November in the city of my heart.
Walks in the rain, in the least water-resistant shoes. Millions of excuses to stay in bed. Late night conversations inside the walls of my beautiful Villa.
The first awful pangs of a premature goodbye.
I'm not exactly sure what is going to come out of my mind this afternoon. The title makes me think that I want to end on an encouraging note.
Hold on a sec. Let me try to find one.
Better Together just came one. Oh no. I'm supposed to be rationalizing my way out of this mess. I'm supposed to think straight; to start working on my letting go.
Somehow the only thing that comes to mind is the way the sun shines in the gardens at Villa. The way banana gelato tastes for Sabbath Lunch. That delicious feeling you get when you see the Duomo as you enter the city. The illegal excitement you get when you climb over the bridge and swing your feet over the Arno. The feeling that the statue of David is staring at you looking for consolation. The butterflies you get at the thought of the statue of David staring at you. Getting to the bottom of the hill in heels, in one piece. Humming a line of Volare and having five people begin to sing simultaneously, changing the mood of the entire day. Tuesday night salottinos, Friday Night Worship, and singing afterward until your vocal chords are numb and all the praise within you has caused you to lose any hopes of sleep. Winning battles of wit because of language barriers.
I'm not sure if you're up to reading another list of all the things I miss. Mainly, I miss not having to wonder. Being right there. Knowing I would wake up to another day of laughter. Rain or Shine.
Not that I don't love it here. Don't get me wrong, UGA. You're rocking my world. Hard. I love you already.
Italian Monday Nights, International Lunches, Living in Myers and sleeping in Morris, getting lost and then found again. All of the reasons to put off homework. All of the gentlemen on campus who will hold a door open if they see you within 100 feet of the door. Reading Cookbooks for lit classes. Walking everywhere and getting a chance to think clearly for a couple of minutes. Snowmaggedons. Mafia tournaments. Myers hall again. Maybe even the hot water hunts.
You get the point.
It's just. I've got this city engraved in my heart. In my eyes. In my tastebuds and my smiles. When I close my eyes I pretend they're open, and looking out on the ponte vecchio. I make myself believe that one day I'm going to come home and find everyone I love there.
And now that I think about it, it's like that with everything. I keep hoping that every broken tie, every lost friendship, will come back. Unbreak itself. We're older, wiser, stronger...why can't we handle being genuine again? I'm back from Italy physically, and I feel like I know so much more about it because I miss it so much. Everything is clear now. No fog, no maybes. Going back in time is not what I want. I want a continuation in the present. Who we are now.
So, I only see one solution. Going back. Round two.
No more running.
See you soon.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Fears.
Goodbyes are not my forte. I either skip past them, or repeat them so much that it gets old.
It's said that if you repeat something 27 times, it becomes a habit.
Can I repeat myself in your life so that you don't forget me?
or carve my name in your heart, like I would on a tree?
...or paste my picture in your memory.
Actually, I think I'll just move into your brain so that you can't help but run into me every once in a while.
I know it's selfish and vain and ridiculous, but my heart has a very good memory. And it stings a little when someone who I'd given lots of room in my heart...forgets. I'm always the one who cares more, you know. So is it really all that silly of me to not want you to forget me? I promise I'll keep your space clean and won't let anyone else take over.
This whole traveling around the world deal is incredible. My heart is now multicolored with patches for all the places and people I have come to love so very much. And, the older patches...are still going strong. I still remember Notebook time, (awkward) Star(fish) Wars, and even further back...I remember my beautiful seven.
I can't escape my goodbyes. I've had a million of them in my life. But if I can just escape from escaping my friends' (old and new) memories...I can keep going. Because I'll go back to you when I stumble upon you in my heart and mind.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sleeping to dream of a tomorrow that would never come.
Home: memories, objects, friends and family. It's understandable. We're a race of material, earthly, people-bound beings.
Tomorrow would bring a happy earth, and the continuation of political campaigns, dinners, smiles, fights--it would be business as usual. The chariots and carts would continue to carve their way through stone, foreigners would come visit the city, life would go on because bad things only happen to past and future generations.
These seemingly advanced people didn't worry about the eruption that was coming, because in their present reality, it wasn't an eruption. Just another little tremor. If they just waited it out a little longer, it would go away. The monster in the mountain would eventually be happy with them again, and the earth would only move with the people who tread on it.
But that normal tomorrow never came. In its place came ash, and fumes, and fire: unforgiving, conquering. The tomorrow they waited on, was instead a fury that annihilated them. Because they waited just a little too long, because they couldn't leave the business or their homes, because money was good, because their great grandparents had built that house and it had to stay in the family. For a million reasons that make little sense, outsider looking in.
At first, it seemed silly to me that this is how Pompeians lived. The same people who could have running water going to fountains all over the city, believed that a monster lived in their mountain and made the earth quake when he was unhappy. It didn't add up. And then, then it clicked like a seat-belt.
History repeats itself again.
You see, the disaster and destruction of Pompeii isn't something new. The great flood, Sodom and Gomorrah...New Orleans and Katrina. The list could go on...and will.
In large cities, in unknown towns. To the famous...and to us.
I lived it.
Why?
Because the heart is a deceptive thing. And my reality wasn't real. My reality told me that I was where I needed to be, that I needed to stay, to wait it out a little longer. At least until the worst was over...just to see if it really would get better. Because at some point a long time ago, I remembered being happy.
We stay because we trick ourselves into believing that this is it. This place holds my memories, these people make me who I am, these things make me happy.
But we're wrong. We're standing by, living our lives thinking the eruption won't affect us, it'll come later. When we're ready.
Wrong.
A place may make memories stronger, but the memories are in your mind, not in the place.
And these people, yes, they are important, but there have been times when you've had to balance yourself without someone to hold on to.
These things...they bring temporary satisfaction, like a new toy does to a child. Eventually though, there's something bigger and better to get.
And I'm not saying we shouldn't love our homes, our people, or our things. But we can't get to the point where that is everything. Because it's not. It can't be.
My tomorrow shouldn't be another today.
My people cannot make me become them, because then we never grow.
This place can't feel like home, not if it's pulling me back instead of pushing me forward, upward.
And these nice things, they can't be what I'm working for.
Not to the point where I lose focus, where my reality is distorted.
There is an eruption coming, and I don't want to be stuck in the ash because I was too rooted, too attached to things, to this place. Especially when I know that I have a promised home where none of these things will be of importance.
I want that to be my tomorrow.
That's what I want to dream about: getting towards my heavenly reality.