Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Adventures in Chichicastenango.

What do you see in Chichicastenango?
On non-market days you see ladies with stubbornly Mayan facial features in their indigenous clothes. Usually, they are followed by a couple of children, who will all look at a foreigner with amazed eyes, even though the town lives off foreigners.

On Thursdays, a carpet of color covers the center. It is market day. Everywhere you look, there are pieces of culture. And everywhere you look, a multi-lingual Guatemalan is waiting to catch your eye and sell you something. The prices are always negotiable, and morning sales are thought to be blessings. And even then, you will get ripped off.

Wait a second.
Even on the other side of the square you can smell the incense from the cathedral. An offering for good business, safety, and security. Your nose could guide you there with your eyes closed.
Oh, but do open them, for at the steps of the cathedral are hundreds of flowers: purple, white, yellow, red, orange. It really is quite a celebration on Market Day. Ladies swing cans of incense at the doors of the Cathedral.

Going in, you are conflicted between taking in the colonial structure and looking at the indigenous people prostrated in front of alters--burning candles, taking flowers--crying and pleading with genuine hearts. Then, you see them walk out, more sure in their God's judgement than we are in electricity.
A passionate guide will tell you the story of how Catholicism and Mayans collided, and how religion became a mixture of our history and La Madre Patria.

If you're lucky, you will head to Don Diego Ignacio's house for supper. A beautiful house with dirt floors and a courtyard full of flowers and laughing children. As one of the twelve Mayan Shaman's in Chichi, he will read you your Nawal and tell you stories that his ancestors have passed down, and that his grandchildren are memorizing to tell to their descendants.

Behind his house lies Pasqual Abaj, the Mayan ceremonial hill. It belongs to his family; half is his, and the other half is his brother's, who lives next door. At the top of the hill is an alter. Fire rings cover the ground where sacrifices have been made. Flower petals dance on the ground where someone came to beg for safety, health, and happiness...or came to praise for those very same things.

Curious as they are, you will have climbed the hill with an army of Don Diego's grandchildren.
And during the descent, you feel your heart break a little for the goodbyes that must come. But there is hope, because few things change in this little town. Storms come and go. Thieves are silently disposed of. People die, and new ones are born to tell their stories.

Yes, there is hope. Hope that when you return, they will remember you and serve and love you as much as is in their power--which to them, is never enough.

It has its charm, this little town. If you stay too long, it will hold on to you and break you into a life of a passionate indifference to the rest of the world.

Luckily for me, I was born with wanderlust, and there were other places calling my name.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Catching Up.

How do I even begin to chronicle my adventures to you?

If I start writing now, I'll run out of battery before I finish. So how about I just outline a couple of the amazing things I experienced/learned/feel like sharing? I made up my mind before you could answer, anyways.

1. I LOVE my daddy. He is incredible, a beastly driver, a noble human being, and...the best daddy in the whole wide world.
2. I am the person who is most likely to find relatives at any point in time in my life.
3. Guatemala is freaking amazing.(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
4. Guatemala is full of absolutely adorable, amazing old people.
5. Guatemala is full of the sketchiest roads you've ever driven on.
6. If you go to Guatemala, don't go to Tecojate.
7. If you go to Guatemala DO go to Tiquisate where the sand is black and the coconuts are to die for.
8. Pay for tour guides. Tour guides make everything better.
9. My life/family is full of eccentric, different, and incredibly talented individuals.
10. The best places to eat are usually little huts on the side of the road.
11. Guatemala can make you forget what feeling cold is like.
12. I am really confused; 40% of Guatemala thinks I am the spitting image of my father, another 40% side with mom, 10% think I'm my grandmother.
13. When in a market place, EVERYTHING is on sale. And even after 30 minutes of haggling, you will probably still get tricked by the vendor.
14. When in Guatemala, go to a church and get infected by their fervor.
15. The Mayans were absolutely brilliant.
16. The Mayans were also very petty.
17. It is impossible to go to Guatemala and NOT fall in love with a child.
18. Aryam is the best, funniest, smartest sister in the whole wide world. You wish you had games/secret handshakes like us. (No punch back).
19. Even my dead family members are interesting.
20. There is nothing quite like pineapples from Rio Dulce.
21. Antigua, Guatemala is magical.
22. Everyone should find out his/her Nawal from a Mayan Shaman.
23. Cafe herbido is the way to go.
24. Coffee is even good when it's boiling hot outside.
25. More people should invest some service time in Guatemala.
26. There are some crazy-beautiful, selfless individuals in Guate.
27. In the United States, we are spoiled.
28. Marimba is beautiful.
29. I came back speaking very Guatemalan Spanish.
30. I am tall Guatemalan.

31. I can't wait to go back.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I like to be free.

When I was a little girl, I dressed up like a princess if I felt like it. And if it rained, I played in puddles in the Georgia red clay all day long.
If I wanted to, I would run away into a book, or play detectives with my favorite friends.

Can't it all be that simple now?
I still love to dress up.
And the texture of Georgia Clay on my bare feet still makes me feel like I'm home.
I still run away, but I now I leave for different continents. And my friends and I play mafia instead of detectives.
And yet, it's not that simple. And I find that my freedom grows harder for people to accept.

Mmmmm.

Water is so dreadfully free. I sometimes envy it. The rain and its tears without remorse; without the terrible preconception that crying in public is shameful. And the rivers, they just keep going, regardless of whether the sun is having a good day or not.
If I close my eyes just right, I can imagine a me that is as free as water.

And then I open them again and see a little girl who is more scared than my seven-year-old self ever was.

Because I grew up, and when I did...my freedom went from unlimited rays into boxes of propriety.

And you see, it is not that I want to be this scandalous, indecent child. I just want to laugh and cry and run and live and love, without the feeling that someone is watching me--wanting to fix me and put me into a box that I won't fit in.

That is why no one is here. Because my freedom is too much. And since I am free, I cannot be trusted. And since I cannot be trusted, I clearly cannot be tolerated. And so beautiful evening strolls fade away I once again learn to be strong for my little free self.

But it's alright, all this freedom. For the most part, that is.

I have my days.
There are times when all I want is to be fixed. To do away with the idiosyncrasies that make me unsuitable for sharing hearts. I want to be appropriate and graceful.

But that's only sometimes, and only in moments when I absolutely need melodramatic thoughts to get through a day without breaking.

My freedom. I love it.
Without it, I suffocate and I can't function. And the only words that ever come to me are angry and annoyed, because someone is trying to take my freedom, to make it their own.

Please trust me, because when I'm in. I'm in, regardless of my rounds.

Yes, I love to be free.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A world traveler from my dorm.

It's happened again. I drank coffee; an espresso to be precise. In my defense, I was at an Italian restaurant. Old habits die hard, you see.

You know what else just happened? That awful empty feeling. The one that starts in your stomach and grabs your heart before you have time to protect yourself. Like an enemy. Wait. Simile isn't necessary in this case. This feeling is my enemy. Coming uninvited. Sneaking up until I can't think straight. I can't see straight. And I can't talk out-loud to discredit my irrational thoughts because my roommate is sleeping.

Think. Breath. Rationalize.
Yes, let's be rational.

What is it about this that always makes me uncomfortable and defensive? Why am I feeling this way, why are you my enemy?

Because I believed. I believed in the goodness of mankind. And it slapped me in the face. I didn't turn the other cheek.
I spat back. I bit. I kicked. I scratched.
I started a war. Survival of the fittest. If I was kicked, I would throw a rock back. If you cut me, I would tear you to pieces. No, not physically. Only with my words. And with my cold heart. Which was really just a victim of this enemy that latched on. Squeezing so hard. I became numb.

Then, like rain erases the pollen...so my pain dissipated.
In order for it to all be gone, there needed to be several great storms. Surprising and terrifying displays of thunder and lightening. With each one, I shook. Never knowing if pieces of pollen would stubbornly stay behind.

I'm still going through some storms. The pollen is hidden. Well hidden.
If I walk in the right light, you can see it sometimes. Just a speck in a strand of hair. Then the light changes. It's gone.

I found pollen tonight. Under my nails. For a second there, I lost control. Chaos entered my brain. I could feel the pressure on my heart again. The emptiness spreading.

Then. I spoke out loud in my mind.
Be rational.
I cut my nails. And it was gone. Leaving behind an immense feeling of silliness. Silliness of the fear that gripped me for a whole three minutes.

I forgot for a whole three minutes that if I close my eyes just right, I have a brain full of memories of walks in the rain, unforgettable sunsets, and dreams of new discoveries.

I'm closing my eyes tonight, to dream of the world I have to discover. Rivers, mountains, volcanos and villages. That is where I'll be.
And when the rain comes to wherever I am, you can bet I'll be sure to stand in the storms for a long time to rid myself of these last bits of pollen.

Buona notte a me. Viaggero stasera.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Cue Mood Music: Here Comes the Sun

Rain, rain. You bring too many memories. Like the entire month of November in the city of my heart.


Walks in the rain, in the least water-resistant shoes. Millions of excuses to stay in bed. Late night conversations inside the walls of my beautiful Villa.


The first awful pangs of a premature goodbye.


I'm not exactly sure what is going to come out of my mind this afternoon. The title makes me think that I want to end on an encouraging note.

Hold on a sec. Let me try to find one.


Better Together just came one. Oh no. I'm supposed to be rationalizing my way out of this mess. I'm supposed to think straight; to start working on my letting go.


Somehow the only thing that comes to mind is the way the sun shines in the gardens at Villa. The way banana gelato tastes for Sabbath Lunch. That delicious feeling you get when you see the Duomo as you enter the city. The illegal excitement you get when you climb over the bridge and swing your feet over the Arno. The feeling that the statue of David is staring at you looking for consolation. The butterflies you get at the thought of the statue of David staring at you. Getting to the bottom of the hill in heels, in one piece. Humming a line of Volare and having five people begin to sing simultaneously, changing the mood of the entire day. Tuesday night salottinos, Friday Night Worship, and singing afterward until your vocal chords are numb and all the praise within you has caused you to lose any hopes of sleep. Winning battles of wit because of language barriers.


I'm not sure if you're up to reading another list of all the things I miss. Mainly, I miss not having to wonder. Being right there. Knowing I would wake up to another day of laughter. Rain or Shine.


Not that I don't love it here. Don't get me wrong, UGA. You're rocking my world. Hard. I love you already.

Italian Monday Nights, International Lunches, Living in Myers and sleeping in Morris, getting lost and then found again. All of the reasons to put off homework. All of the gentlemen on campus who will hold a door open if they see you within 100 feet of the door. Reading Cookbooks for lit classes. Walking everywhere and getting a chance to think clearly for a couple of minutes. Snowmaggedons. Mafia tournaments. Myers hall again. Maybe even the hot water hunts.

You get the point.


It's just. I've got this city engraved in my heart. In my eyes. In my tastebuds and my smiles. When I close my eyes I pretend they're open, and looking out on the ponte vecchio. I make myself believe that one day I'm going to come home and find everyone I love there.


And now that I think about it, it's like that with everything. I keep hoping that every broken tie, every lost friendship, will come back. Unbreak itself. We're older, wiser, stronger...why can't we handle being genuine again? I'm back from Italy physically, and I feel like I know so much more about it because I miss it so much. Everything is clear now. No fog, no maybes. Going back in time is not what I want. I want a continuation in the present. Who we are now.


So, I only see one solution. Going back. Round two.

No more running.


See you soon.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Fears.

I'm scared of lots of thing. Most of them are irrational things...like my voice breaking in public, or not being able to see my waistline. But every once in a while, my eyes are opened and I see that I have some pretty enormous human fears. They always come at the same time, too: leaving.

Goodbyes are not my forte. I either skip past them, or repeat them so much that it gets old.
It's said that if you repeat something 27 times, it becomes a habit.

Can I repeat myself in your life so that you don't forget me?
or carve my name in your heart, like I would on a tree?
...or paste my picture in your memory.

Actually, I think I'll just move into your brain so that you can't help but run into me every once in a while.

I know it's selfish and vain and ridiculous, but my heart has a very good memory. And it stings a little when someone who I'd given lots of room in my heart...forgets. I'm always the one who cares more, you know. So is it really all that silly of me to not want you to forget me? I promise I'll keep your space clean and won't let anyone else take over.

This whole traveling around the world deal is incredible. My heart is now multicolored with patches for all the places and people I have come to love so very much. And, the older patches...are still going strong. I still remember Notebook time, (awkward) Star(fish) Wars, and even further back...I remember my beautiful seven.

I can't escape my goodbyes. I've had a million of them in my life. But if I can just escape from escaping my friends' (old and new) memories...I can keep going. Because I'll go back to you when I stumble upon you in my heart and mind.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sleeping to dream of a tomorrow that would never come.

Silently, peacefully sleeping. Tremors were normal. In any case, home was the safest place to be.

Home: memories, objects, friends and family. It's understandable. We're a race of material, earthly, people-bound beings.

Tomorrow would bring a happy earth, and the continuation of political campaigns, dinners, smiles, fights--it would be business as usual. The chariots and carts would continue to carve their way through stone, foreigners would come visit the city, life would go on because bad things only happen to past and future generations.

These seemingly advanced people didn't worry about the eruption that was coming, because in their present reality, it wasn't an eruption. Just another little tremor. If they just waited it out a little longer, it would go away. The monster in the mountain would eventually be happy with them again, and the earth would only move with the people who tread on it.

But that normal tomorrow never came. In its place came ash, and fumes, and fire: unforgiving, conquering. The tomorrow they waited on, was instead a fury that annihilated them. Because they waited just a little too long, because they couldn't leave the business or their homes, because money was good, because their great grandparents had built that house and it had to stay in the family. For a million reasons that make little sense, outsider looking in.

At first, it seemed silly to me that this is how Pompeians lived. The same people who could have running water going to fountains all over the city, believed that a monster lived in their mountain and made the earth quake when he was unhappy. It didn't add up. And then, then it clicked like a seat-belt.

History repeats itself again.

You see, the disaster and destruction of Pompeii isn't something new. The great flood, Sodom and Gomorrah...New Orleans and Katrina. The list could go on...and will.
In large cities, in unknown towns. To the famous...and to us.

I lived it.
Why?
Because the heart is a deceptive thing. And my reality wasn't real. My reality told me that I was where I needed to be, that I needed to stay, to wait it out a little longer. At least until the worst was over...just to see if it really would get better. Because at some point a long time ago, I remembered being happy.

We stay because we trick ourselves into believing that this is it. This place holds my memories, these people make me who I am, these things make me happy.
But we're wrong. We're standing by, living our lives thinking the eruption won't affect us, it'll come later. When we're ready.

Wrong.

A place may make memories stronger, but the memories are in your mind, not in the place.
And these people, yes, they are important, but there have been times when you've had to balance yourself without someone to hold on to.
These things...they bring temporary satisfaction, like a new toy does to a child. Eventually though, there's something bigger and better to get.

And I'm not saying we shouldn't love our homes, our people, or our things. But we can't get to the point where that is everything. Because it's not. It can't be.

My tomorrow shouldn't be another today.
My people cannot make me become them, because then we never grow.
This place can't feel like home, not if it's pulling me back instead of pushing me forward, upward.
And these nice things, they can't be what I'm working for.

Not to the point where I lose focus, where my reality is distorted.

There is an eruption coming, and I don't want to be stuck in the ash because I was too rooted, too attached to things, to this place. Especially when I know that I have a promised home where none of these things will be of importance.
I want that to be my tomorrow.
That's what I want to dream about: getting towards my heavenly reality.