On inheritance.

Last Saturday morning I received a text message I had been expecting for a month: my grandmother in Guatemala had passed away in the night.  When I first read it through, I didn't immediately feel my feelings. I ached for my mom, my aunts and cousins, and the pain I knew they were in.  As I got ready to leave for Dalton though, it started to hit me.  The finality of it.

For the first ten minutes of my drive I wished I had windshield wipers for my eyes. I can't really write what it all was that I was feeling. Sometimes I think language doesn't have that capacity. Or maybe I just am not very good at knowing what I'm feeling.  But I know that those first ten minutes were painful.

Then it hit me. I was wrong.  Because instead of finality, there was mercy and grace and eternity.

If you had met my grandmother in her youth, I am told that you would come away terrified, angry, and hurt. She had a tact for physical and emotional abuse, and a knack for bitterness. And she justified it because she had had a hard life.

She worked washing dishes for four cents a week from the time she was four, was pregnant by the time she was 16, and had seven kids in quick succession with a loving father and husband who also happened to be unfaithful and an alcoholic. Their love was complicated, and full of them trying to outdo each other in how much they could hurt one another.

Eventually though, my grandfather stopped drinking and he always came home. Just as things started to settle, a drunk truck driver ran him off the road and into a mile-long ditch, leaving her a widow at the age of forty.

Somehow, through her stubbornness and her ability to sell you anything, she made it through with her seven kids in a war-torn Guatemala. She couldn't read or write and had never been to school, but she could smell a liar from a mile away, and count her money with the accuracy of a bank teller.

I cannot tell you the many times I've heard of how strict she was with her kids, and how mean she could be, and how many bitter memories so many of my family members harbored towards her from her years of brokenness, loneliness, and bitterness.

And I cannot tell you that I knew her like that, because by the time I came around she had turned into the Guatemalan grandmother that you would expect: loving, spoiling, and very sassy.

Somewhere in her brokenness, she found Jesus and came to life. She learned to read and write and turned her outspokenness from winning arguments (which she still did till her dying day) to professing Jesus.

She reconciled with her children, she praised God for her hardship, and she made it a point to serve you  with every ounce of her being.

As I drove home thinking through her life again, I cried my eyes dry. But this time out of joy.  Because such a wretched sinner was redeemed and completely transformed by God.  And she rejoiced in her pain.  She clung to Christ with the same ferocity that she had previously clung to her bitterness.

In the weeks before her death I remember praying for mercy, and for God to take her so that she wouldn't suffer any more. She was in and out of consciousness, in and out of the hospital, and in consistent pain.  And He did, He took her mercifully.

She was home and had just worshipped with the elders from her church.  The two hymns she loved the most were Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus and a spanish hymn called God is Here. How beautiful to know that God was there that night, and as her eyes closed for the last time in her sick body she had assurance that the next thing she would see would be Jesus.  That she would be restored to health, and could eat all the sweets her diabetic diet had kept from her for years.

My mom and I were talking about all of these things a couple of days ago.  I made the joke that she had left several generations of sassy Guatemalan women, but no inheritance. But she did, she left an inheritance that is genetically inscribed in all of us.

She left an overwhelming amount of stubbornness, the fiercest loyalty you've ever encountered, and an undying desire to feed anyone within a fifty foot radius. She left a family that otherwise would be divided, united and more tightly knit than the most resistant of fabrics. She left her recipes. She gave us all the ability to silence a room with a very well-timed raised eyebrow.
She left us a perfect example of a sinner redeemed from death. Of a very, very big loss on Satan's part. Because in spite of the mixture of pain and loss and bitterness that ruled her early life, Christ restored it all and she counted it as a blessing for her testimony to be a part of His.

It makes me think of Micah 7:18-19

"Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity
    and passing over transgression
    for the remnant of his inheritance?
He does not retain his anger forever,
    because he delights in steadfast love.
¹⁹ He will again have compassion on us;
    he will tread our iniquities underfoot.
You will cast all our sins
    into the depths of the sea."

How beautiful to think that in my sin, Christ still chooses me as part of His inheritance. That He longs to restore me.  That He restored my grandmother. Remembering His love for us; choosing to forget our sins against Him. 
Into the depths of the sea.

Watching My Expectations Being Overcome by God's Will.

This week, I finished the honeymoon period of GMS. As week six began, a wave of disappointment began to take over.  I started looking over the past couple of weeks, and became angry because my expectations had not been fulfilled. But these very expectations revealed to me yet again, that I have been trying to interfere with God's plan for me.

It is week six of nine. I am jobless. I have a lot of free time.  I have no schedule. All of which are the exact opposites of what I came in expecting.  I was supposed to come into the summer and hit the ground running. I wanted to go a thousand miles an hour, just like I had been going for the past couple of years.

And as door after door after door has been closed this summer, I've been egging myself to keep going.

This week, I paused to think about how I was feeling, because I knew I was feeling something, and whatever it was it wasn't good.  And it hit me really hard, and repetitively, that like in every other case, I had been running when God had been calling me to wait. And for the first time in two years I stopped to really listen. I've been receiving all of this material recently, and I've been checking it into my brain, but I've gotten to the point where I need to figure it out in my heart, because I have one of those too.

And so yesterday I sat and processed, and as hard and overwhelming as it was, I delighted in knowing that God was with me and that He is providing time for me to focus on Him. You see, I've been so dreadfully afraid of being inefficient and lazy, that I've failed yet again, to see that when things work out, it is not because of anything I did.  And when things don't work out how I expect them to, it's because they're working out how God intended them to.

And it's been really hard to trust that this is God's intention.  For me to have no financial security, no regimented schedule, and all the time in the world to focus on Him. To rest and hide myself in Him.

Yesterday, I was directed to read Deuteronomy 8.  It is a passage where God is telling the Israelites that He has led them through the desert for forty years, and that it is He who has allowed them to hunger (all the while sustaining them with manna), so that when they reach the land of milk and honey, they can acknowledge that it is God who brought them there.

Verse 2 says, "And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty yeas in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."

God has been humbling me, testing me, directing my heart back to the Truth, that He is everything. That my focus isn't to worry about money, or to commit every minute of my life to very specific tasks.

I've been realizing that deep down, the longing of my heart is the completion, the closure, and the unity of being with God.  Whether it's disguised through longings for family, relationships, friendships, or anything else.  At the end of the day, what I want is the salvation that only Jesus paid for. That only Jesus can fulfill me with, because He is God and He will not fail.

It is not a matter of me relinquishing control, as I wince in fear.

Psalms 27:14 says, " I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!"
Another translations says, "I would have lost hope, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

So it's not just a matter of giving up control, it is the searching of my heart to accept that Jesus is my Lord.  That Jesus is all the salvation that He says He is, and complete belief that He is working in the land of the living, right now.  Unlike Satan, God has control not only of heavenly things, but of things on earth as well, and He cannot wait for me to see the hope of His power and sovereignty.

And so as I leave the honeymoon stage, I feel myself traveling into unknown territory.  However, God says that He makes the path smooth (Ps. 27:11).  I don't think that necessarily means that things are easy, but that even when things are hard, God makes them exactly what we need, and His strength helps us bare it.

In Mark 10, Jesus asks the blind man: "What do you want Me to do for you?"
I am still $1319.43 away from paying for GMS.  That is an overwhelming amount for a college student used to making $20 last a month. But I am confident in this: I am where Jesus wants me to be, and by His power alone, those $1319.43 will be paid.

This does not mean that I have given up on a job or a schedule, because God's provision extends itself to renewed determination.  But I am committing this to Him, and am praying that He helps me honor the time that He has given me to process more and more of Him, and to extend His love and faithfulness to the Burlington community.

I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and support. I ask that you would continue to pray for me, for this city, and just to praise God for His ability to work here among us in spite of sin and Satan.

If you feel led to, please prayerfully consider donating to my fundraising for GMS. You can donate directly at: https://donor.navigators.org/dp/donate/controller.cfm?action=showDonation&staffID=23820717

Realizations in Jesus, through Colossians.

All throughout Colossians I've found myself stumbling upon pieces of truth that I know to be true, but that I haven't necessarily believed to be true.

Wait a second.  How is this possible?

It's like my entire life I've read these incredible things about the character of Jesus and I've just taken them for granted.  I've taken Him for granted.  I've read it, checked it to be true, and kept going.  It feels as if I've never let Christ fully blow my mind, and all of a sudden there is this extreme explosion that goes all the way from my toenails to the very top of my 4'11".

And all of a sudden, all of these lists that I've been after and these desires that I have are finding their way home.

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now HE has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and FREE from accusation" Colossians 1:21-22.

I've been chasing my tail for years.  I've been trying to straighten my dress out, fix my hair; doing everything in my power to be presentable to be in God's presence. And my attempts just seemed to dishevel me even more. As if I could impress God.

And all of this time, He's been looking in the mirror looking at me with eyes that have been saying, "my child, I've already made you presentable.  I've clothed you in the best, I've made you spotless, I've created you radiantly."

Because no matter how simple it is to understand that Jesus has done it all, I've always found a way to sneak in a special clause that says that I can do something, too.  But I am not my own savior. Because I'm working to do something that's already been done.

I have already been reconciled.

"My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know that mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" Colossians 2:1-3

My objective is not to do anything, but to find Christ.  To hide myself in Him.  To grow in Christlikeness.  The hiding in Him, produces acts of love and service. Fervor, hope, mercy, grace.  All aspects of Christ to hide myself in, not as a secret to keep to myself, but to reflect as He did.

What a relief.
What a glorious reality.
What a blessed eternity.

The North Pole: An Explanation.

Week three of GMS just passed by, and I realized that as I'm settling into life here in the North Pole, I find myself playing a lot of catch up with friends and family. With a lot of questions centering around what I'm actually doing here.  So, since I'm not anywhere near falling asleep tonight (the curse of an unintentionally long nap), I will try to recap for you.  Also, feel free to keep asking questions.  As wonderful as this is, it's still so very, very lovely to hear from home.

Okay. So, when I got here, I honestly didn't even know what I was going to be doing.  I just knew that I was coming to Vermont, and that people from all over the United States would be here, and that somehow, it was going to change my life.

The first couple of days (like the first few weeks of college) were about matching faces with names and then schools and majors. We have people from Alabama to Montana, to California and Indiana, and that diversity is partly what makes it so great.  Like I do with most situations,  I came in and started wondering what role I should assume.  At UGA, there are enough chiefs so that usually I can get by with a good bit of following.

When I got to Vermont I felt as if I was free to be...free (I'll expand on this later).  But that's just how Vermont makes you feel, really.  As I unpacked my stuff into my room, I thought of all the possibilities before me.  I seriously considered being an introvert all summer, for about five minutes...while I was folding and storing my clothes in my empty room. Then I realized that I'm about as introverted as I am tall, so that didn't work out.  Then I considered reverting to the role I always assume, which requires me to feel as little as possible, and be as efficient as I can. Which is really one of the areas in which I'm growing the most.  And finally, with an empty room, and the remnants of nostalgia at saying goodbye to my daddy for the millionth time (which is still strange, unnatural, and heartbreaking even after two years of college), I sat down to think about why I was here and what that meant for who I needed to be, or how I needed to let God change/mold/use me.  So I wound up just praying. Praying that God would transform me into the new creation that He's died for me to be, and that I would welcome change and be eager to grow towards becoming that.

Since then, there have been a whirlwind of emotional, intellectual, and transformational realizations about my faith that are just overwhelming, so I'll try my best to keep writing every once in a while to log them, because as I'm looking at my notes now I'm a little overwhelmed. I want to tell you a little about what we actually do before I jump straight into writing a novel.

Every day, everyone works in different places around Burlington until around 5:30.  At 6:00, we have a family style dinner prepared by our wonderfully incredible chef and sous chef. After dinner comes testimony time, where we get to hear all about someone here and how God has worked and is working in their lives.  On Monday nights we have Navnites, which include worship and a message (I could write a series on just each message; just briefly, we've talked about Shalom, living the kingdom of God here, and loving one another), which really just sets us off to a good start for the week.  Tuesday nights, we have Salt and Light, which is training in Evangelism, which ranges from learning how to be curious about others, to why we even share the gospel.  Wednesdays, we come together at 4:00 and have the choice to either play sports or do art. Then at 6:00, we have a grill out that we can invite our friends/coworkers in the community to come to.  It's a particularly fun night because our Burlington friends understand a little better why we're here.  Thursday nights, we have team Bible studies.  There are eight teams with leaders who are either on staff, or have previously attended a Summer Training Program.  We're going through the book of Colossians in depth this summer.  I feel like I have so much to say about that, but I have to pace myself because I'm scared I'm already losing your attention.  I'll try later this week.  Then Friday-Sunday are a little more relaxed, and up to us to decide how to spend our time, which we usually end up spending together.  It's a little bit ridiculous how quickly community was established.

I'm sure you've seen lots of pictures of me having lots of fun right now, and I'm not going to try and sound like I'm not.  I go to the beach on a regular basis, we go hiking, adventuring at night, and play games till two in the morning sometimes.  That having been said, the focus of my time here is simply Jesus.

That's the thing about Colossians, it's very small, but when you look at it closely it has this sneak attack depth about who Jesus is and what that means for us.  I mean, just simply that He is the image of God makes my head spin.  The things we're studying in Colossians, and learning in our individual devotionals, and conversations with each other and our leaders, lead to the undeniable truth that Jesus is  so much bigger than our understanding, so much greater than our expectations, and so much more than we attribute Him to be--and it is those very things that make Him God.  And not just this God that we see as a figure of authority, but a God to be praised and admired and desired.

There's so much I want to say, but there's not a chance that I can get it all written coherently tonight.  So I'll try again tomorrow.

So, there is my very messy introduction to what this experience has been.  Know that I am so very joyful, and awed, and blessed to be here.  Thank you so much for your love and support!

A few final things:
1. like I said, hearing from home is so fun! Shoot me an email, or send me a letter to:
Box 18
85 So. Prospect Street
Burlington, VT 05405

I'd love to hear from you/answer questions/catch up!

2.  I am still in the process of funding.  If you could pray for that process and for my own faith in God's provision, I would so very greatly appreciate it! Also, to those who have supported me, thank you so much! Words cannot express how thankful I am for your help in this incredible summer!

3. If you could pray for me and my continued growth this summer, I would so very much appreciate it. I have already been so blessed.  In my experience though, I've learned that Satan gets intimidated by God's work and does all he can to prevent it.  Just pray for the ministry here in Burlington, for continued spiritual growth in my own life, and for the miraculous power of God to trek through whatever may come our way this summer.

I know that was long, but thanks so much for reading! I'll try to be more frequent with updates so that I don't feel so terribly behind, and you all are in the loop as to what the heck is going on in the North Pole.

Still missing Chickfila, sweet tea, and your sweet southern faces,

Mary

If you're with KONY 2012, please read this.

There are few things that move me more, than to see the power of youth--to see my generation unified for justice brings me almost to tears (emphasis on the almost). Many times we get this terrible reputation for being apathetic to the world, and I know that for a lot of us...that is not true or fair. So when I woke up this morning and had 18 stories about KONY 2012 in my newsfeed, I was beaming.

And then, reality hit.

Please understand that I by no means am not supporting this campaign. I have been involved with Invisible Children since my senior year of high school, and will continue to be involved with IC as long as I find it to be an organization that is just. But there are many things that I wish people did before they pressed the "share" button.

Just as the power of unified voices brings me great joy, uninformed mob reaction actually brings me to tears. You see, I want us unified, and I want us strong, but I want us to support this campaign because we know what we're supporting. I want people to understand that it's not about Invisible Children, and believe it or not, it's not even wholly about Joseph Kony.

Invisible Children is currently under a lot of fire from political scientists and reviewers of non-profits right now. Political scientists say that they are creating this mob mentality that is once again giving rise to the belief in the White Man's Burden to save the world. There are also attacks on the organization itself because of how it is run financially, and where it lends its support.

Although I do agree that this heavy, all of a sudden explosion of "KONY 2012" is alarming, I also believe that spreading information is one of the easiest ways to begin a movement and start change. It is not that it is the white man's burden to stop the LRA and Joseph Kony, it is that this generation is realizing that it is the world's burden to stop injustice. That this comes off in a colonizing way, is unfortunate. However the message has been received that something bad is happening in Eastern Africa, and we need to stop it. As for the accusations claiming that IC is exaggerating or misusing information, I think that accusation is unfair. Although the same cannot be said for it's peacekeeping missions, the United Nations is a good source of information concerning statistics on various countries. This is where information is taken from. If you are in doubt of the numbers used by IC, check them against the reports of the UN.

As far as the places where funding goes, most of it, goes to media. Invisible Children started from a documentary, and from it's founding has been a firm believer that advocacy and information to the world, leads to furious action from the world. Not that we're colonizing Africa, but I think we will all agree that developed countries have more resources, and more strength and power behind military force. That having been said, IC does support the Ugandan national army. Many people are at odds with this because there have been reports of raping and looting from this army. I will not deny, that it brings me no joy to support an army that may cause tragedy as well as create peace. However, from a statistical standpoint, the UNA has not done anything that even closely resembles the atrocities committed by the LRA.

There is no way to say it that does not sound condescending, but the very truth is that, Eastern Africa is a severely corrupt place. And how can it not be? These countries have been in turmoil since they were chartered and have not seen political stability yet, for a period that lasted longer than one political era. If we, as a country with a stable government, have our own share of corruption, how then are things to run smoothly there? IC does not condone all of the actions of the UNA, however it's the best solution there is right now. Without the military support of the international community, who else is going to stop the LRA? Peace talks have not worked, soft power has not worked. Military power will.

On to Joseph Kony, people need to understand that bringing him down, does not solve the problem. In the event that Joseph Kony is captured or killed, the LRA will have someone to replace him. Someone born in this struggle, conditioned to continue abducting, displacing and killing. The eyes of his followers will not instantaneously see the horrors they've committed just because he is gone. The ultimate goal, is to disarm the LRA completely, set rehabilitation centers for the child soldiers, and create military stability in the affected countries so that they are prepared to disband any groups like these in the future.

Another thing people need to realize, is that we're not just going to waltz into the Democratic Republic of Congo or the Central African Republic and take Joseph Kony. There will be a struggle, and lives will be lost. Lives of children. Hence the term child soldiers.

In a perfect world, we would ambush and take Kony and the children would all want to be free. But this is an environment where the ones who survive are the ones who accept the doctrine and follow the order to shoot. And as terrible as it is, in the capturing of Kony, the lives of children will be lost. If you cannot accept that, then do not rally round the flag because the whole world is. I would rather there be fewer supporters, but supporters who are aware and educated on the risks and the practices of this movement, than to have a blind multitude who knows nothing about this cause outside of a thirty minute long documentary.

And the thing is, if we can be that generation that causes news streams and social media and politicians to focus in on one topic, we can also be the generation that does all of this out of an earnest desire, not an impulsive reaction to propaganda. Because as much as I love IC, I know that "KONY 2012" is propaganda. It is meant to move us in a blinded fashion. Let's not be blind. Let's be informed, and then, let's take action.

When I said it wasn't about IC or Kony, what I meant is that the bigger picture is that these countries need stability. Ending a war, sets a country into a time reconstruction. Our ultimate desire, and the goal that we should continue to work towards after Kony is captured or killed, is restoring order and creating governing infrastructures that do not condone corruption. We should fight for the rehabilitation of these children just as much as we're fighting to capture the man who leads them. We shouldn't be creating all of this fuss right now, about one man, only to die off once he is no longer a threat. And we shouldn't restrict ourselves to seeing justice only in Eastern Africa.

What about sex trafficking? What about Genocide? Child soldiers, slavery, displacement, massacres...these are not issues that are limited to the LRA, or even to just the continent of Africa. We live in a world that pretends to be good, because having a good display keeps things peaceful. And do we want peace? Yes. But I don't if it's at the price of injustice.

As an international affairs major, I am aware that there are some of you thinking "so you want my tax dollars to go all over the world in this recession, instead of helping me?"

I understand that we cannot be a country that saves the world. I have so far, called for military action to disarm the LRA, yes. And the government has already sent 100 troops. If they are successful in disarming the LRA, that is all the military involvement I need. Because from there on out, the Ugandan, DRC and CAR governments will have to strategize what to do. What do we do then? We provide help in the reconstruction process through non-profits, avoiding creating dependency. Aid should lead to stabilization and stabilization should lead to self-sufficiency. So you see, I'm not asking for a radical decision from the US government that spirals us even into more debt. I'm asking that you not be apathetic and that you not be half way into this cause. If you become informed and still do no agree, that is fine. But if you do become informed and desire change, don't just desire it.

Every year I run a 5k in Chattanooga titled Move for Uganda. All the funds from the race go towards a specific project: a hospital, a school, a radio system to warn when the LRA is moving towards villages, rehabilitation centers. At the race, there is a simulated village, and survivors there to give you a first hand account of events and atrocities. I go every year to receive new information, and to find out about more ways I can get involved and to motivate myself to keep going and advocating and fighting.

When you run a race, there is a goal and a finish line. To get there, you have to move.

If you're starting this race, finish it.

Not a bad thought was stirring, not even a doubt.

Shhh...

Quietness just came in.

It tiptoed past the boxes marked fragile in my brain, under the table set with dishes ready to be chaotically broken, around the sleeping lion of my anger; it even managed to bypass my irrational fears scattered on the floor like mines. It went straight into that white state of mind where peace is born.

Tomorrow will have its time.

Its sounds. Its questions.

But for right now, let me keep it.

Let me pursue this stillness that makes it inherently evident that I am human. And God is...God. And here.

Let me delight in dependence, and feel myself go dizzy with lightness at the will of my God.

Get out of here, Satan. With your lies and your schemes to break it all. I packed them up neatly for you, if you don't pick them up immediately, God said He'll take them to a place as far as the east is from the west (and judging His track record against yours, I'd say He's going to keep His word. Again).

And when the loudness comes back, let the Truth always be deafeningly clearer, louder and stronger.

The law of the LORD is perfect

reviving the soul;

the testimony of the LORD is sure,

making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right,

rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure,

enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean,

enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true,

and righteous altogether [...]

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:7-9, 14

Frat snap.

Cleaning House.

I don't exactly know what it is about home, but every time I come back I seem to lose my sense of time and orderliness. Maybe it's the chaos of College Mary and Home Mary coming together, or the fact that my schedule is so undetermined. One day I'll figure it out. Or maybe I won't (Resolution 1: learn to live without some answers).

Right now, all I know is that I haven't done laundry in too many Fridays, and I'm starting to get that uneasy feeling in the back of my head that I'm falling behind.

I have to back up a little.

I'm a J.

I love lists, I love schedules, I love reasonable goals. I treat impromptu changes as challenges (and I love to be challenged) and briefly meditated changes as irresponsible. I do not like it when plans are changed just because the sun wasn't shining right. If you're going to wreck my plans, wreck them with purpose, and wreck them for something better.

The problem is, I've been wrecking my plans this entire break. My list is staring at me with one eyebrow raised and its hand on its hip.

And you know why? Because I asked to be humbled, and I didn't really think it through all that well.

Fact: I really love people. I can be falling asleep, tired out of my mind, ready to collapse at any given moment, but put me in a room full of friends, and it's like giving me a caffeine transfusion. I will find a way to stay awake as long as I need to.

The problem with this is that people become my priority (Resolution 2: reset my priorities). I want to make them laugh. I want to sit and listen (yes, it happens) to everyone talking at the same time. I like eye-contact conversations when awkward moments arise. I like feeling comfortable with people. That's when I feel most at home.

Over this break, I've been reaching for that. And there have been awesome moments, and hilarious experiences and adventures. But, I still feel...out of synch.

And then, like a freight train, it has hit me that we're all going to continue to change.

You know that moment in "David Goes to the Dentist" when David stands up in his seat and screams? That was my reaction.

Why can't all of our worlds stay easily connected?

Back to my lists.

I made myself a promise, that regardless of who I became post-home, I would find a way to keep everything connected somehow. But my desire to keep them connected is running on reserve battery. Because I'm running on reserve battery.

It's all used up, you see.

Remember I asked to be humbled?

Ta-Da!

When I envisioned being humbled...I imagined it would be an experience between me and God where I suddenly had an instantaneous epic realization and everything fell back into place.

What really happened is that I had a slow, painful realization throughout the entire semester, that culminated and ran its course over break. There were several phases, ranging from despair to indifference, and finally...relief.

I went to the optometrist today because I needed a new prescription. As I was sitting in the chair with the big lens machine in front of me, I was mentally kicking my doctor for asking "better here, or here?" every two seconds. When the questions were over with, they gave me new contacts. They're in now, and whether it's psychological or not, it's clearer.

The moment when I was officially done throwing my tantrum, was like coming up for air after having been under water for a long time, or putting in new contacts, or waking up from a nightmare to a beautiful reality.

Resolution 3: follow through with God's resolutions for me.