I don't exactly know what it is about home, but every time I come back I seem to lose my sense of time and orderliness. Maybe it's the chaos of College Mary and Home Mary coming together, or the fact that my schedule is so undetermined. One day I'll figure it out. Or maybe I won't (Resolution 1: learn to live without
some answers).
Right now, all I know is that I haven't done laundry in too many Fridays, and I'm starting to get that uneasy feeling in the back of my head that I'm falling behind.
I have to back up a little.
I'm a J.
I love lists, I love schedules, I love reasonable goals. I treat impromptu changes as challenges (and I love to be challenged) and briefly meditated changes as irresponsible. I do not like it when plans are changed just because the sun wasn't shining right. If you're going to wreck my plans, wreck them with purpose, and wreck them for something better.
The problem is, I've been wrecking my plans this entire break. My list is staring at me with one eyebrow raised and its hand on its hip.
And you know why? Because I asked to be humbled, and I didn't really think it through all that well.
Fact: I really love people. I can be falling asleep, tired out of my mind, ready to collapse at any given moment, but put me in a room full of friends, and it's like giving me a caffeine transfusion. I will find a way to stay awake as long as I need to.
The problem with this is that people become my priority (Resolution 2: reset my priorities). I want to make them laugh. I want to sit and listen (yes, it happens) to everyone talking at the same time. I like eye-contact conversations when awkward moments arise. I like feeling comfortable with people. That's when I feel most at home.
Over this break, I've been reaching for that. And there have been awesome moments, and hilarious experiences and adventures. But, I still feel...out of synch.
And then, like a freight train, it has hit me that we're all going to continue to change.
You know that moment in "David Goes to the Dentist" when David stands up in his seat and screams? That was my reaction.
Why can't all of our worlds stay easily connected?
Back to my lists.
I made myself a promise, that regardless of who I became post-home, I would find a way to keep everything connected somehow. But my desire to keep them connected is running on reserve battery. Because I'm running on reserve battery.
It's all used up, you see.
Remember I asked to be humbled?
Ta-Da!
When I envisioned being humbled...I imagined it would be an experience between me and God where I suddenly had an instantaneous epic realization and everything fell back into place.
What really happened is that I had a slow, painful realization throughout the entire semester, that culminated and ran its course over break. There were several phases, ranging from despair to indifference, and finally...relief.
I went to the optometrist today because I needed a new prescription. As I was sitting in the chair with the big lens machine in front of me, I was mentally kicking my doctor for asking "better here, or here?" every two seconds. When the questions were over with, they gave me new contacts. They're in now, and whether it's psychological or not, it's clearer.
The moment when I was officially done throwing my tantrum, was like coming up for air after having been under water for a long time, or putting in new contacts, or waking up from a nightmare to a beautiful reality.
Resolution 3: follow through with God's resolutions for me.
