Tuesday, December 13, 2011

How memory becomes hope.

I can think of few things that are more precious than a sacrifice.

And yet, I'm sitting here in my room thinking how irrational it all seems. For someone to give something up for someone else. But it's only irrational here, where we live for us. For now. For a nice everything that the word "mine" can attach itself to.

Every December 13th, it hits me harder. Danny didn't just have FA. He didn't just die because a disease took over his body. He died for a purpose. So that years later, at 1:00 AM, his little sister could once again be in awe of God.

This little sister that still gathers strength from his memory.

You know. You'd think I'd have it down by now, but I still get angry that I'm learning to deal with him, without him.
I still wish his picture would talk back to me when I walk past it in the mornings while I brush my teeth. Not even something serious. Just a joke. For just one second to hear the only voice that I've forgotten. He could sing Achey-Breaky heart to me and I'd be satisfied.

and the thing is, why isn't my question anymore.

Because the why is new every day.

It happened, because it was best (even if it doesn't seem that way).
It happened for merciful reasons.
It happened for our benefit.
It happened for our growth.
It happened for our appetite for eternity.
It happened for invisible reasons that will blow our minds in eternity.

I can keep going if you want me to. But I'm getting to that part in my mind, where the idea has clicked. And my anger is transforming into what it always does on the 14th of December.

God gave up Danny, for me. For mom. For Dad. For Aryam.
Seven years of goodness, to show us the big picture: an eternity with no hospitals, no medications, and no separations.

It is 1:17 AM.
I am irrationally awed by this intricate plan.
And it still hurts, but it also promises to heal when life truly begins.

Here's to the December 13th, when the clock will start at zero, and never run out.
And I will sing/laugh/run/dance/make silly faces with Danny.

Take that, Satan.

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