Realization.

Sorry about that. I just reviewed my last post and realized how chaotic and disorganized it was. You'll forgive me though. Because you know how my brain works. Or should, by now.

This post is going to be heavier though.

This weekend, we headed off into a Tuscan region around a hilltop town called Poppi. We stayed at a place that was somewhat like the Italian version of Cohutta Springs. It was a spiritual retreat for the school: faculty, staff, students, ACA participants.

Now, you all know how much I love the outdoors, so it will come as no shock to know that as we were arriving and my little eyes were taking in massive amounts of beauty, my little Guatemalan heart was pounding inside my chest. I felt like I was home. Which led to my first pit of loneliness and homesickness. I don't know if it was the cypress trees, or the brooks at the bottom of the mountain, or the fact that I wore my Summer Adventures gear, or the fact that I had no internet and couldn't talk to those I love. Or the overwhelming memories of all the people I love. Or maybe it was the combination of everything put together. But I had this huge urge to see my family and sit down and cry. And take off this weight that's been holding me down and admit to everyone how absolutely tired I am.

Tired of loving. Okay, not of loving. But, tired of the pain and suffering that comes with loving what you musn't. And of accepting God's will. When your own is so very strong.

And so with this big beautiful place, I could only feel this awful pressure and an insanely huge desire to cry.

But then, God came in with His love and His affirmation that things happen for a reason. For His reasons, and if you follow and accept them, this whole mess that we make...it gets easier. And I realized that my problems, my struggles, my pains...they are nothing.

You all know that I feel that being here is God's will. And up to now, I've been somewhat unaware of why. This weekend I found out the first reason.
As we were taking prayer requests, the men's dean asked for prayer for a family who stayed at Villa for a while. They have a four year old daughter, with a very rare form of cancer, who has been promised death.
She is four years old, and her childhood has consisted of hospitals and crying. This seems so unfair. But, God has His reasons. When he started talking about this child, I had this overwhelming feeling to reach out to her and her family. Because of what my own family experienced with loss and our own mourning and acceptance, I feel a need to go to them, to minister and to take them the peace that only God can give. Up to two years ago, I had not made peace for Danny's death. There was always guilt in my heart. I still felt like I was the less gracious of the siblings. Like I was the one that should have passed. But there are so many things that he left us. He left us with this burning desire to see him again, and to be like him. The knowledge that someone as young as him could have such a vast understanding of God's will. Jesus said we must be like little children. And while he was, he was also a little man. Because he showed us how to be strong when no physical strength is left.
I also sometimes think that God took my Danny because things might have changed. What if his heart had strayed as he got older? Danny is quite likely the cause for many to reach out for salvation. And so there was a purpose. A divine purpose, and that, that gives me peace beyond compare. Maybe not enough to keep away the most awful, painful thoughts all the time, but enough to always be able to know, that God had His reasons, and the day we can all see them clearly, we will be so thankful!

I ask you, I beg you. Right now. Pray for this family. For this child who is unknowingly a source of reconciliation with God. Pray for me. That I may listen carefully and let God speak through me. And pray that if it be God's will, for her to live. And for her to be an example and a glorification for Him.

I don't think I've ever felt anything like this.

Because of the intensity of all of my emotions. I was able to get spiritually closer to my new friends as well. Up to now, we've had good conversations. But no really fruitful conversations. This weekend, we talked about everything. Our pasts, our dreams, our heartaches. And I am happy to say that all of us are headed towards one goal: serving God as much as possible while on earth. It's such a crazy feeling. To know that you'll never run out of work to do.

I have a feeling I am making life-long friendships here. And I know for a fact I will never ever forget this experience.

So, for a second. Let me thank you, for your contribution to my crazy plan. Whether it be in form of verbal support, hugs, offerings, prayers, kind thoughts. Everything. I will never be able to repay the goodness that I have received. But thank you, and God bless you.

Please continue to pray for me and my journeys. And especially, for this little girl and her family.

I love you, miss you, and bless you!

Mary