If you know me, you know part of the reason I am here, is to run away. If you don't know me, then now you do.
I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore in a place where I knew everyone and everyone knew me. In a place where I was expected to be...everything. At the same time. And I can't always be the strong one. I can't always be the one to rely on. Not that I don't want you to rely on me or anything. I'm glad and thankful for the people in my life back home, and I'm glad it's comfortable enough to share burdens. But I need some unburdening of my own.
A wise friend once told me that I'm a fixer. But as a fixer, I need to fix myself first before I can go out and change the world. I need to charge myself, make sure my connection is strong, that I'm on the right path. The path Upward.
Long story short, I was tired and weary. There were too many things for me to be able to process. And I love loving, but loving can drain the life out of you sometimes.
So I ended up here, 4000 miles away from my problems. And they're still here, sure. But I can unburden in peace by the cypress trees, with the grass between my toes, looking off into a city full of people to meet.
I mean, maybe the feeling will fade eventually, but right now, I feel like a little city girl going to the mountains for the first time. If I wouldn't look like such a silly little American, I would run through the yard with my hands in the air, laughing. Okay, I lied. I did that yesterday. It was just perfect. The combination of 75 degrees, with a breeze, a light heart, and a patch of sunshine overcame my sense of shame. And I ran and laughed and spun around in circles until I drove myself silly.
After the severe case of the giggles, I just laid there and looked up into the sky. It was as if God was sending out rays of I love yous in everything. In the calls of the strange birds that there are here. In the rose petals dancing in circles on the sidewalks. In the mountainside behind me. In the bluest sky I've ever seen. My little Guatemalan heart could have exploded with happiness. And I know it might not always be like this.
And running away doesn't solve any of my problems. Because later on at night, they kind of found their way back to me. It seems 4000 miles of ocean don't serve as 'do not cross' sign. But those 4000 miles of endless blue give me peace to think things out rationally, in my irrational mind.
So this morning, I woke up and sighed that happy little sigh of satisfaction. And I smiled before I opened my eyes, because I knew that when I would, there would be a balcony waiting for me to admire the beauty of this place. A place that makes me sing with happiness.
One of the things I love best about this place: These people love to love. They love to make you comfortable and familiar and at home. Everything is a "brava! bene!" And they say it...over and over and over again. Until you don't feel like such a foreigner. And you feel like you've been here forever.
That's not to say that I don't miss you, because I do. And if anything, I've grown closer to friends with this big gap of an ocean in between us. But. But. But. (like I said, Italians are repetitive). This is definitely the right place for me. Right now.
So, it's a little crazy. When have my decisions been sane? It's not normal?...this is me we're talking about. If it were normal and rational, I wouldn't be here. I was meant to live a life of adventure. Everyone has their own path. Some people stay in the same place forever, and there is nothing wrong with that. But with the gypsy hearts like mine (which is not so much of a gypsy anymore...I'll write on this later), you have to constantly be just a little bit uncomfortable. You have to learn and grow. And sometimes, the same place serves as a road block instead of an open door. So I hopped on the first plane that led to this door.
Don't worry. I'll be safe, and upright. I'm not going to jump into the deep end. I am just squeezing the life out of every opportunity I get.
So, I love you and miss you. But I'll get home eventually.
Right now though, it's time to love this place, and explore, and let the little girl inside me know it's going to be okay.
Love and blessing,
Mary
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